You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I smell like Dick and happiness
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