I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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