I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
