Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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