The maid of honor just puked.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
