Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
