I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize