she looked like the before picture.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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