You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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