Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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