You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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