Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
