good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
