Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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