ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
