My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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