I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
