thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
