im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
