my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
