The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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