I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
