You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
