i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
