i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
