I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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