Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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