my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
