When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize