bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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