nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
