mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
