i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
