she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
