My underwear smells like fireworks.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
