1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
