Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
