I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
