apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
