He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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