My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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