the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
