Nicole vs. Life
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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