i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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