Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
