My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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