just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
