tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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