I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She even gives head with a lisp.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
