I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Soap is not a condiment
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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