I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize