I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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