the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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