first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
