No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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