yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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