Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
